The Perfectly Imperfect Parent

Let’s talk about perfectionism. Here in the United States, we almost value perfectionism because we think of a perfectionist as someone who does things expertly. It’s like when you go to a job interview and they ask you, “What is your biggest fault,” and you answer, “I think my biggest fault is that I’m a perfectionist.” It’s “a fault” that we pride ourselves in having. 

But there is a difference between striving to do things skillfully and being a perfectionist. Perfectionism is more about looking impeccable to others because we are worried about what people think of us, rather than wanting to do something well for yourself.

Therefore, we aim to be flawless in areas where we feel the most susceptible to judgment. The thought process is that if I can do this without making any mistakes, I will avoid criticism from others.

Parenthood:

Being a competent parent is imperative to most of us because our children mean the world to us. Since it’s so important, it is an area where we are likely to feel sensitive about our parenting abilities, and therefore we are most at risk of perfectionism.

While we all intellectually know that perfect parenting does not exist, we still struggle with the expectation of never making a mistake because we fear being an imperfect parent is synonymous with being an inadequate one.

We need to make peace with the fact that there will always be a difference between the idealized image of the parent that does everything right in our heads, and the reality of the parent we are. If we don’t, then when that image turns out to be unattainable, (and news flash- it is unattainable) we feel less than. We feel deficient.

As parents, we need to know that who we are is enough. 

A psychoanalyst named Donald Woods Winnicott observed thousands of children and their mothers and came to realize that children actually prosper from imperfect mothers. He said that a “good enough” mother is more beneficial to a child than a “perfect” mother ever could be. He believed that children need their mothers to make mistakes from time to time so they can learn to live in an imperfect world. 

If you are always trying to be perfect, you model to your children that you expect perfectionism, which can be a big burden to give to a child. When we judge ourselves harshly, we are likely to judge others harshly as well. That includes our partners, our friends, and even our own children.

Lastly, we can’t make parenting decisions based on our own core values if we are too caught up in caring about what other people think.

Social media:

One of the ways that we try to hide behind the illusion of perfectionism is through social media. 

There are studies that have found that Facebook, Instagram and other social media platforms are associated with lower levels of wellbeing over time. 

The most common reason we feel jealous, unhappy or dissatisfied with our parenting abilities after looking at social media, is because we are making comparisons between our own life and our friends’ lives based on incomplete information. 

For the most part, people post pictures of very selective moments in their lives. Are we posting pictures of the moment our baby spit-ups in our hair, or when we are folding our laundry, paying our bills, or trying to get our overtired fussy baby to sleep? Not likely. We are posting photos of the day at the beach. We take 50 pictures and post the 1 or 2 “perfect” images that capture that exact moment in time when the baby is laughing in delight as he plays in the sand or the toddler is giggling adorably in our arms as the blue ocean glistens in the background. It is not that these moments don’t exist, but they are little slices of time. And let’s face it, many of those shots have been digitally enhanced thanks to the variety of filters readily available to us! The reality is, photoshopped or not, the majority of our week does not look like that. Yet scrolling through photo after photo of every one’s best moments sets up an unrealistic and unhealthy expectation of what life as a parent should look like.

We often browse social media feeds when we are tired, bored, or looking for a break. It is at the times of the day when we are the most fragile. To protect ourselves from feeling less than, we try even harder to be perfect. 

I am not suggesting that you need to stay away from social media completely (although some people do choose to do that), but I am proposing that when you check your Instagram feed, try to remember how particular people are about what they’re posting!  

In addition, try to stay away from social media when you are already feeling down and having a hard day. In those moments reach out to your friends, family and community. Attachment theorist John Bowlby once said, “Human beings we are hardwired for connection.” Meet a friend for a walk or call your sister on the phone. Really connect to someone.

We need to recognize the madness about worrying about what other people think, and let it go. As your self-image becomes less influenced by other people’s opinions and more driven by your inner voice, you can begin to live authentically. You become liberated to be yourself. You can parent according to your own values.

So how do we let go of mommy perfectionism?  Here are a few tips:

Remember that perfectionism is limiting:  When you feel the need to be perfect, you are trying to measure up to an impossible expectation. Since perfection is not attainable, you are likely to never feel good enough. This makes you not want to be adventurous and try new things. You end up only taking on things that you think you will be able to excel at. Therefore, don’t be afraid to try something new and different. As a parent, show your child that it is okay to do something just because it seems fun or appeals to you. The emphasis here is that you are doing it for no one other than yourself!

Be conscious of the different roles you play in your life: You are not just a “mother.” You are also a partner, sister, daughter, friend, neighbor, oh, and don’t forget individual!  When you put too much of your identity in one role, you put yourself at risk for perfectionism and burn out. Embrace all the different parts of yourself.

Don't add to the perfect parent illusion:  Be the one to post both sides of parenthood! Post the imperfect moments when you’re having a hard day! Be real with yourself and your friends about how as much as you love being a mother, you don’t love “every minute” of motherhood. Feeling conflicted, and sometimes unhappy about parenting, does not mean that you don’t love your child and you are an inadequate parent. You are not nurturing yourself if you are telling yourself that you are supposed to love every minute of being a mom.  We are human beings. As the poet Walt Whitman once so brilliantly said, “Do I contradict myself? Very, well, then I contradict myself, I am large, I contain multitudes.” We can have contradictory feelings within ourselves. Give yourself permission to be human.  

Understand that the “perfect” mom takes away learning experiences from her children:  In the strive for perfectionism, you may end up “over-helping.” Some call this helicopter parenting because it involves hovering over your child’s every move. It becomes hard for your child to take any pride of ownership in what he does if you are always taking the reins. Children need to tolerate disappointments and learn from their mistakes. This allows them to become resilient individuals.

Give your children the message they are enough:  The more critical we are with ourselves, the more judgmental we tend to be with others, our children included. Though it may not be your intention, when you are a perfectionist, you teach perfectionism.

Ask for help:  We believe that in order to be “perfect” parents, we should be able to do everything ourselves. We look at receiving help from others as a weakness. The truth is that we all need help once in a while. We want to teach our children that they are not in this alone, that they can ask for support when they need it. What better way to teach them than by modeling that behavior ourselves?

So, as united parents, let’s remove the steel cloak of perfectionism, and instead give ourselves a warmer title. One that we can wear with pride and authenticity.  Let’s say we are perfectly imperfect parents.